I know that tangible companionship is not perfect and I cannot depend on it to satisfy or complete me fully. I know that loneliness can happen even with companionship because our hearts deepest and greatest longing is for the One who knit us into our mama’s womb and it will not be fully satisfied until He takes us Home.
In the mean time and over the past many years, my heart and mind have wrestled with identity and relationship and I’ve thrown myself in many different directions to try to find this elusive thing; identity. If I am a missionary and doing something important for the least of these, I think my heart will be satisfied. If I am a photographer and capture beauty in a frame, I think my heart will be satisfied. If I am a writer and paint a picture with words of the complicated and intricate meanderings of feelings and emotions, I think my heart will be satisfied…and maybe fill the space of all my perceived inadequacies, too. But all of it…It only deepens and intensifies the longing because while each of these things is a part of who I am, they alone cannot define me. They were knit into me, but not to become me.
And the things I think I fail, the things greater than the importance of these other titles, the messy and uncomfortable things, the things I try with all my might to embrace but can’t seem to for the jagged edges that pierce so frequently…these relationships…if I was created for relationship, then I was created for this. As much as I flail and fight and yearn and need and resist and reject…all of this…is enough. To escape it, is to escape who I am. The very thing I long for is the very thing I run from.
Because I am scared.
Because relationships hurt sometimes.
But it’s the very thing that hurts us that can heal us.
And so today, as I seek to know who I am and to whom I belong, I can find some solace knowing that who I am, is enough. Right here, right now, in this moment…all that I am, and am not…is enough. The fullness and emptiness of this moment, is enough. And my sitting right in the middle of it is enough. There is no measuring device or means of comparison. I am. No-thing will change that about me or make me any more valuable or fulfilled. No man or child or other human being. No picture. No act of service. No book or written piece. No house or physical thing.
To whom I belong…I am His; the One who created the heavens and the earth; the One who knit me in and knew the number of hairs on my head before I was conceived; the One who creates masterpieces and the One who knows my heart and its deepest longing; the One who doesn’t hurt and will never leave me; the One who is the giver of all things good and knows the gifts we need and when we need them; the One who knows the perfect timing of all things. I am His, who will bring satisfaction in the way only the designer of a piece of art can understand the source of its inspiration; the One whom relationship does not hurt, and I can rest; the framework and foundation I seek. He is a parent and a friend and the lover of my soul.
And should He never arrive or gift me in the manner of human form for life long companionship… then He alone, will be enough.
(Picture borrowed from Victory A Cappella)